*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.