You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
You Might Also Like
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
finally found a reasonable question
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Mountain Goat : )
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this