Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
🙂🙃🥹
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]