America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death