“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Something Saturday.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
happy valentine’s day to me
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
❤️❤️❤️
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?