Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*checks Timeline*…
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.