Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Cats are still liquid.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.