Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Seas the day!!!!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food