[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
i wish i could marry a nap
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣