me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.