Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.