*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!