I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
A family that plays together cheats.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Jesus Christ lmao
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
The answer is funnier than the question
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.