Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
hackers play passwordle
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.