Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.