[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
それは草
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.