all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
When someone trying to leave me
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope