Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Oh the world we live in…