Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy