If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Had an epiphany today.