I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶