Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true