We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
peak technology
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?