[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Holy moly
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”