Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
This cat wants you to take your pills
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
i made a craigslist ad !