[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
$3 #books
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.