DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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never deleting this app.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.