[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
You Might Also Like
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that鈥檚 really rude.
The fun thing about Airbnb鈥檚 is that you get to clean someone else鈥檚 house on your vacation
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you鈥檙e an overachiever.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
5: I鈥檝e only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that鈥檚 the one you already had on
5: oh
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Him: I鈥檇 take a bullet for you
Me: I鈥檒l allow it.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 馃槶
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”