Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I have no passwords left in me
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .