Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck