[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Girl, same.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Love is always patient and kind.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa