I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”