comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.