ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
You Might Also Like
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is