This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.