look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
X-tra spooky blend
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!