theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.