10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom