Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.