Never let them know your next move 😂
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[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS