I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Oh, I bet you would be
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
How it started How it’s going
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.