Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD