I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Imma just leave this here…………
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or