ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.