I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”