What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.