It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap