“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
incredible book dedication
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Muppet Screams
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school