Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Very problematic
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables