ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.